365D:151

Almost half way through this year, 365 Days of writing here. Day 151, this has become a habit for sure. A habit that I wake up at four am to complete or on somedays to just start. I did not realize when I started this challenge that this is an act of kindness to myself. This is the first commitment that I have made to myself, for myself probably ever. During this time I have committed to other things: diving into Gods word, everyday… 30 days, avoided wine, 30 days, cried a tremendous amount of tears, felt so much pain that I have been pushing down for over 20 years, stood up for myself many times, confronted weird and mean people, broke up with a boy, yelled screamed and kicked like a child, walked away from a job that was not in line with my purpose, read over 20 books and reread 3 of them.

Stepped out of my comfort zone to say the least. This has been a place for healing, looking for purpose and discovering who I want to be, exposing truth within myself. A place of wonder. A place of letting go. A place of love. This has given me the opportunity to express myself freely and that has been much needed in my life.

I have surrounded myself with manipulative people, I have walked on eggshells all my life trying to please people that will never be pleased. Tried to love people that can never be loved. All to find out that I cannot do that anymore. There is a knot in my stomach when I think about situations where I did not tell my whole truth because it was not what said persons wanted to hear. Avoiding an argument, reducing chaos, being told to leave at midnight… All these things because of fear! All these things because of disguises people wear trying to portray themselves as friends or family. All fake causing me to be fake. A circle of chaos.

I still struggle with telling my truth because I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I am getting better at it. I have cut a lot of people out of my life and am in the process of cutting a few more out. I feel healthier than I have felt in a long time. I think a big portion of this comes from just being free to write what I want here and the more I practice this in person the better I will be all around!

Much love 💜