Wrapped up in guilt of saying goodbye
Not letting the tears fall from my eyes
A new life begins, new habits, new friends
Learning to say no is not impossible to bend.
There comes a time in our lives that we start searching for acceptance horizontally. This may start at a very young age with our parents. Perhaps our parents taught us that acceptance only comes or matters from God. Then we get older and want to fit in or belong somewhere and our peers acceptance matters. We get lost from doing the right thing and start doing the cool thing. We put our identity and inner peace in the people around us. Doing things not because they are right but because they please others. This circle of acceptance comes around so often and the damage it does to our hearts and souls is a big deal.
The past five years I have been struggling with keeping my focus on God, going through grief and losing sight of who I am. I, in this moment have no idea of who I am except a big fat people pleaser. I have done this all my life but right now it is so unmanageable. It is destructive and causing a bad case of anxiety and depression.
In a raging fit earlier this week it all came out, or began. Initially being all my friends fault but somewhere in that release I discovered there is only one person responsible for this anger, depression, anxiety, sadness, loneliness and crazy outburst and that is me.
Since this discovery, I have really been trying to sit with my thoughts and feelings. I have discovered that I do not have to say yes and that I can say “ let me think about it”. I can also say no.
Ohhh the word “no” is a difficult word to say. I hate this word but I have to learn it and I have to use it. I have to know that the only acceptance I need is the acceptance of Jesus. That is the gold standard. That is the real deal. The question I am struggling with at this time is how do I get back to that? Even though I’ve acknowledged where my problem lies, I am finding difficulties getting back to being the daughter He wants me to be for this life. I am angry and hurting. I want to silence all the noise and it is hard when said friend will not respect my boundaries.
I’m at a loss today… the yoga mat is calling my name and for now I will search for the answer there. If you pray, send the big guy a prayer for me.
Much Love 💜 Much Life