May 18,2020: The day is finally coming together; it is afternoon and feelings of accomplishments are coming through beautifully. The last few days have been all about filling up and getting ready to roll again. This is one of the nicest things you can do for yourself. Take the much-needed break, when needed. Feed your soul with what it needs. Yesterday I needed to spend some much-needed time on the phone with inspirational and loving people, I am not a phone person but sometimes we make exception to the rules mainly because my people are a thousand miles away. I also needed the kind words and acceptance from them. I needed good vibes and a few laughs and that was delivered.
This morning I even went back to sleep because I felt I needed to do so and I woke up in the best mood. Dreading the hard stuff of course but willing to dive in and knock as much out as I could first thing. It is different, not having a place to go during the day. It is different to be on my schedule and I have accomplished so much in the last forever days of not working, not going into some place. It has been kind of nice to decide when I do thing. I am very thankful for this time. What we thought was only going to be a couple of weeks have turned into way more than that. In this time, I have felt better than I have since I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue syndrome. I have had bad days, but they are few and far between. The bad thing about the bad days now, is I am not accountable to anyone. I do not have to be there physically for anything, and I rest. Which means my recovery time is much faster.
This is one my mind because as I am writing this on the 2nd day of June, this conclusion, preparing for my days off, I have been tired, but not fatigued. My knee has been upset and I have been a little stressed over some unknowns. I have some hard decisions to make very soon and I am unsure if I will do the right thing. There are always hard decisions, but sometimes it is even harder to make them. I just want to feel like I can do what I want, and no one will be hurt or feel weird. I want to travel for a minute. I think… I want to go back to the place that always feels like home, even though there is no physical structure there that ever-meant home to me, but it was a town. A place I would love to visit and see and remember days of goodness. I feel sometimes, like I am the luckiest girl in the world but other times I feel like I cannot make my own decisions. My body does this to me, I get in fear because my left side starts hurting and becomes weak. It is a very scary thing for a girl who comes from a family that has strokes and heart problems out the woo hoo. I just want to take a road trip, visit some friends, see new places along the way, fall in love with life once again, more than I am now. Maybe all I need is the freedom to know that I can handle a few days on my own, to know that I can manage life by myself. I think it would build my confidence tremendously. Or shut me down, completely. Who knows unless I get in the car and go…