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As I lay dying

365 D 112

These words are creeping back into my mind. They have lingered in my mind for years because, well for years, I have seen death. I have seen slow and traumatic death. While watching loved ones slowly grow feeble and weak, these words are in my mind, “as I lay dying”. I wonder what is going on in the mind of one is is close to the end. Are they thinking of William? Are they thinking of the dysfunction that goes on around them, the conversation, the motions, the whispers. Are they thinking, “as I lay dying, the president was impeached, Will my family starve or eat? Or is it more like, they are enjoying life, moving about as they wish, as I lay here dying? Or why will they not stop crying, I am about to walk into the pearly gates, why can they not be happy.” I have tried so hard to think the latter, but it is the most difficult thing to watch a loved ones pass. What is harder than that is just not knowing, soon but not knowing when. Any day now, adjustments will need to be made, arrangements made. Waiting, wondering, crying , fear. What is life without loss, without heartbreak, without death? Without grief? I at this time do not remember. This path started for me six years ago. I have two family members left and I sit, wait, watch him getting thinner, weaker, he is exhausted and starving, today, I knew it would not be long. His spirit was gone as he laid his little head down on his front paw. To weak to look up when I called his sweet name. I sing, our song to him over and over. “Moon river, wider than a mile, I’m crossing you in style, someday. Two drifters off to see the world, there’s such a lot of world to see. We’re after the same rainbows end. Waiting round the bend, my huckleberry friend. Moon river and me.” Love at first sight, he was unsure: about life, people, situations, being in a car, coming out from hiding, men, singing, talking, just to name a few. All of these things, I was unsure too. He was beautiful with his fat head, big green eyes. He grew into a small lion. Brave and courageous, my guardian of drunken people, safety in his purr. I wonder, his thoughts, at this moment, does he know how much he has brightened my life? Does he know how many days I kept going because he needed to be cared for? Because I got to come home to him? Because he is my companion, the best companion I think I have ever had. I named him, Mr. Parker, after Richard Parker, “life of pi” A companion, to a lost kid on a horrible journey. Hindsight, is powerful. Is it time for me to be on my own? We made it through the hard sail, we made it through other deaths, he helped me learn how to feel again, to love again. My teacher, my precious cat. As he lay dying, I love, I cry, I grieve, I sing moon river again and again, holding him in my heart forever.

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