Last night while I was struggling for sleep, listening to my favorite guy on the audiobook selection on YouTube, I rediscovered that most of my days have been filled with making decisions based on how they are going to effect other people. I think of the decisions I have made in the last year and how I have went out on a limb to make decisions based on what I wanted to do, but still living in this fear even after I had made the decision and everyone knew, I still had fear that others were not pleased with me. This is a horrible place to be and sometimes I return to that space and it causes me to find the darkest space, I suppose it would be depression.
This last round came about from someone stating very plainly that I had disappointed them to the point of hatred. That was almost ten days ago and I struggled that long with this and last night I realized that with the decision that I had made a few months ago was the best decision for me. I do feel bad that this person and I do hate that this person hurts, that was never my intention but my intention was for me to be safe, secure and to be in a place of growth. If we cannot have these simple things in life, how do we ever expect to have anything else? So today, I am stepping away from my guilt and shame. I am stepping into the light.
Today is going to be the happiest of days.
Starving for this feeling, I hope it doesn’t go away.
Maybe it was a galvanized situation
A force into such, a realized temptation
Of wanting to much.
Thankful for the smallest and such
Unable to be wrapped into the soap opera life
Setting goals to accomplish and vacate the strife
Much Love Much Life