365:D137

There are so many things that I question today. The main thing is why I cannot keep balance in order in my life. It feels like it has been the longest week. Emotions have been all over the place and kindness has not been practiced towards myself. I gave myself permission to be kind to myself last week and it is almost like this week I have chosen to allow myself to be beaten up. Two major extremes. This week I did not feel I needed the kindness because maybe last week was to much or if my friends do not treat me with kindness, I do not deserve to treat myself with kindness, do I allow myself to go looking for trouble? Probably a little bit of all of these.

My life feels like a yo-yo with my closest friends. I try to give them space for their healing but sometimes I fail and try to jump in and save the day. Some try to give me space and it is appreciated while others space is needed. The good stuff is always way to far away and it may not be all that good in the first place, I cannot see from this point.

From this point I see failure and uncertainty. I see loss of self, of kindness, of love. Truth is nothing here can make me happy. Nothing here can make me well. Truth is I have big changes to make next week and my heart screams no, it screams for me to hear my own truth, for me to be true to my own self. My heart longs for truth in general, for kindness to overflow and light to shine. Why does my head always get in the way?

Being Real or Really Being…