Freedom

276

Lately, I have been really trying to dig deep into things that have been restraining me. I know I can do so much better at my life than I have been in the last few years. I also know that unless I face these thing and deal with them, they are probably going to destroy me. That last part scares me so much and I know that I want so much out of life, I have big dreams and I have basically been letting fear control my life.

Yesterday, I began working on this method and it is so very simple that I honestly thought there is no way this will help… Boy was I wrong! This morning, not only did I release a lot of pain but also figured out some big things that I did not even realize where there.

The worse part of this whole thing is I feel so fragile right now like I opened up a huge can of worms, seems as thought I should probably go fishing now…

The thing about all of this is that most of these restrains I have continued to place on myself either the words that were said to me as a child were so engrained in my mind or other people’s opinions of me come back to bite me. My gain from today was that I get to decide how I live my life. I get to decide who stays in my life and who has to go. I made a hard decision in October to let go of someone that was definitely not good for me and I have continued to second guess that decision up until recently. I have grieved the loss of our relationship, the loss of what could have been but today I realized that it is not so much “him” that I am grieving. It was the idea of our relationship. To have a partner in my life that loves and supports me. I did not realize how much I truly long for that person to show up. It is so easy to be deceived when we do want to have that special person in our lives.

The one thing that was not present in that relationship was me being true to myself, my beliefs and my values. Another hard lesson learned…

What does it mean to be free?

To have no restrains or controlled confines

To be in a position to freely speak your mind

Not to be held against ones will

A hostage broken beaten until

Conscious slips as time stands still

How much longer to fulfill

This prison sentence of the mind

Hearing words that are so unkind

Slowly coming back to life

There has been hurt and many strife’s.