Change has happened and it feels so strange. I have found myself laughing again, a lot. Those deep belly laughs that totally hurt your side. I cannot remember the last time I have laughed this hard. It has happened more than once over the last few days. One of my students even asked me was I in love and I responded not with anyone… but with everyone. Granted the latter part was an afterthought but I do feel happy. It is so strange how I have brushed things off, just smiled and proceeded with my life instead of falling into fear.
It feels like that infatuation feeling but it is not, it is intense like that so I fear that it will pass just as infatuation always does but there is more. I have made decisions. Decisions without asking people if this is the right thing for me to do. I have stood up for myself a lot in the last week. This feels different. I am so thankful for these moments this week and I pray they continue. I did not realize how sad I actually was until I started laughing. I feel like the girl I once was before there was fear, before grief, before trauma.
I think back over the last few months, how hard it was not to work, not to push down my feelings but to actively feel the things I have pushed down for years. To still feel things now and actively deal with them as they come up. To be able to write about all these things and not feel ashamed. I am happy to have friends that allow me to do so even if it is uncomfortable. I am happy that I have the strength to let go of things that no longer serve me, avoid places that do not feel safe and be present here and now.
This has been a journey I will never forget. I am so thankful for all the people that have been beside me and lead me when I could not find the way. The many wrong turns lead me to the right people!
The yoga oh the yoga, has given me courage and a safe space when the mat was the only safe place I had. The intention I have set every day was to find clarity and it is coming! The beautiful people that have wondered into my class and taught me so much. The many books I have read over and over just because for once I did not feel crazy and these feelings were real and the words on the pages have been truth.
I wish all this would have happened sooner but I know God has a plan for me. This I know, in the stillness I have found.