First, I am no crier…. It was not ok to cry as a child and up until the last few months I have held it in. I am not sure what triggered this first cry but the last cry was this morning. Last night I had two things happen: 1. My bestie asked me what I would do if something happened to him. 2. I fell asleep listening to a grief podcast.
Back to 1. I have never thought of this before because I generally try to stay upbeat and happy. 2. There must have been something deep going on in my subconscious last night. 1. When I woke, I thought of this question and it made me so very sad. Who would I call when things are bad, good or indifferent? There’s something about having that person to call just because you are driving through town and do not want to think about whatever it is that crosses the almighty mind. To hear someone tell me about their day, problems, successes brings me so much joy. I used to do this with my mom. Randomly call throughout the day. She enjoyed it for the most part and if she did not want to talk well, she did not answer. When she began to get ill I started calling my father because she stopped answering. This was hard. Back to 1. So what will I do if something happens to my friend? This question filled my mind and I was so sad and the thoughts of losing him also was just to much to bare. I cried, not a hard cry but a cry that was consistent for a good hour. So I decided I would listen to the said podcast once more and soon began to feel comfort, the tears began to slow and eventually they stopped.
After this cry, I did not feel better instantly but I did release a lot of things that had been bottled up. The process of emptying out the bad, sad and indifferent.