365:231:38

Waking up in the middle of the night in terror is never fun. This happens to me more than I care to admit. Dreams that are to real and heartbreaking, unsettling and uncertainty of my day before. Will I ever be able to let go of this one thing that has me shaken to no end? What is the lesson that I need to learn here? The matters of the heart, of family of pride. Today, I am weary and have tried to remain busy to keep my mind off of these horrible things, bad behavior, push, push, push.

So I sit here and I will write until it comes, no more pushing my feelings down, I need to feel them even if they are filled with fear and uncertainty. I hate fear, I hate feeling like I cannot say what I want to say and do what is in the best interest of myself, when I need to. Why did I sign up to be a punching bag? How can someone have such an effect on me when one, they have no idea where I am located and two I know there is nothing he can do to physically harm me now. He has spent way to much time, has rented way to much space in my head for way to long. He needs to be evicted! I am a grown woman who still fears the monsters in the closet, he said they were in there I just did not know he was the monster. I have no control over what he says or does. It is only how it affects me , that is what I have control over.

So I breathe, come into the breath, my body relaxes and I am coming back to my senses. I let go of his image, I let go of his words. I remember who’s child I am, protected and loved. My verse of the day which I’m still a little concerned about but it somehow brings me comfort. Romans 9:18 “so you see, God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen.”

Before this, he was telling Moses that he would show mercy to anywhere he chooses and will show compassion to anyone he chooses. In verse 16 it says so it is God who decides to show mercy we can either choose it nor work for it.

So in my situation, no matter how hard my monsters heart is, I do not think God wants my heart to be hard. That has always been my manner, to love and forgive. Either way both of us will be shown mercy. I cannot behave like the monster, but I do not have to let his words and actions stay in my mind.

We have to be the best version of us possible, be able to let go of the things that cause us problems with being our best selves. Refining and purifying always. Part of the process, part of the plan to learn this, to know this and continue on.

Much Love 💜 Much Life