Poems

Late Night Perceptions

December 27, 2021

I must return a library book today… It is one of those that can only be checked out for seven days and if you do not return it… Well, I am not sure what will happen. I do not believe that I have ever had an overdue library book. Maybe I have but I do not remember what happened if this has occurred but according to the lady at the front desk, I will be sorry if this happens.

This is what I think about on the nights where I just cannot fall asleep and believe me, an overdue library book does not seem like a big deal until 1:27 am and there is nothing you can do but put it in your calendar and hope it pops up as a reminder.

Then I scroll and catch up on all the things that I miss out on social media, one person leads to another and another and before you know it, there goes the whole class of 1995.  I wonder if their life is as pleasing as what it seems like in the Christmas pictures they post. I stumble across a couple of sisters that I went to school with, and one sister is 100 percent absent on social media while her sister is posting every day.  I wonder what caused this decision to be non-existent and I wonder how full her life is without it. I wonder if her friendships are more intense, more deliberate, more engaging? While most of mine seem so distant all of fault of my own. I talk to people, and they ask if I saw a post on social media from so and so and I have not and then they tell me. So really, I have no need to go on the book or watch the news because the “important” parts are always told to me in meaningful conversations.

Then there are the people that I look at that I would like to know better. That I could have known better or should have known better…  Then I remember that I am invisible and all of that is simply impossible. At least I was for a short amount of time and then discovered that it is better to be seen and heard and that people that get to see and hear me are pretty much astronomical. Having people like this in your life allows you to see more people as well. Need I say that it is “eye opening”. Having the ability and freedom to be authentic with the people we are around is truly a gift. Not worrying about offending someone or getting yelled at or that weird, horrible feeling that moves through the air when you say the wrong thing and the other person instantly wants to kill you.  So far, I have survived all the useless conversations of my past and very wary of future endeavors like such.

I try to think of all the things that I am thankful for and because I have been in my car for most of today, I believe my heart is so full and delighted over the Christmas season.  I have reminisced on the past few Christmases. How they were filled with a heaviness of sadness and loss. This Christmas was fun and different with only one “tradition” A Christmas Carol at the theater with my dear friend. I cooked and baked, and it was all Italian with no wine involved. This is strange that I just stopped drinking the way I have. Only two nights I have drank socially and really did not have the stomach for it those nights. Stranger than that I have read almost thirty books in the last two months and truly enjoyed every word. I do believe I have joined a small book club both online and in person. It is so beautiful how the love of a story can bring two people together with brilliant enjoyment and meaningful conversation. Maybe my world is small right now, but it is so beautiful that way. Maybe I do not really need to connect with those online personas and just continue seeing the bright and shining faces I see on a day-to-day basis on my little island corner of the world of acceptance and freedom.  I will never wake up by eight in the morning and for once that is alright. I am not on a clock, or do I need to be and for this I am grateful along with the other 252 things I thought about this afternoon while driving. 

I wonder if they will call me if I do not have the book back by a certain time or will they wait until tomorrow (Tuesday) I wonder if the same girl will be at the front desk when I return the book. I would like to ask her what the consequences of being late on a seven day check out, with no holds, no renewals. I’m really just curious. I do not think I want to check anymore out from that section again but there were like five or six sitting there that I am just dying to read. I read this one book in just one sitting, one night. I think the pressure was just too intense for me not to finish it, I do not think the book was that good. So, I will not mention the title.

My favorite books from the last two months or the year were and in no particular order:


“The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry” by John Mark Comer (it was added to my Must read again list)

“Anxious People” by Fredrik Backman

“Wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now” by Maya Angelou

“Calypso” By David Sedaris — and I fell madly in love with him author #2 of the year (must read again list)

“Wintering: The power of Rest and retreat in Difficult times” by Katherine May (must read again list)

“I let you go” by Clare Mackintosh Love Love Love her but this is her best work

If you click the links above I will receive a small commission if you choose to buy. Thank you.

Another awesome thing is the Kindle Unlimited Reading Subscription – you can enjoy access to unlimited reading of over 1 million books, a rotating selection of popular magazines, and thousands of books with Audible narration.

My mind has wandered back to how quickly I get obsessed with things, topics, people, thoughts… So, I heard a new song today on the radio and I loved it instantly, I run or tap over to Spotify, search, find and it is on repeat for a good hour. Surely, I am not the only one who does this? Then becoming close to my ending of this repetitive listening, I know all the words and have pretty much lost my voice with all the singing, but I have thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I was picking up an order from the local Krystal’s today, not for me and the lady on the loudspeaker box thingy yells at me, “THIS LANE IS CLOSED!!!” I am not certain how I was supposed to know this because the truck in front of me pulled over to that lane and my window was up and I had the above-mentioned song playing loud. There was no sign or anything saying, “this lane closes at 6 pm”. But she yells at me and I apologize for my stupidity…. As I sit and wait to get to the window, I am thinking of all the things this girl could do to prevent this aggravation she has built up on such an amazing evening.  My thoughts go to her asking the person that left the shift last to place a sign stating that the lane was closed to let the customers know that it was indeed “this lane is closed” Unless you came there often there would be no way of knowing that the outer lane was shut down at a certain time, or she could keep the screen up and watch both lanes and just deal with it. She was truly overwhelmed and exhausted, and I saw this on her face when I got to the window. There are a lot of problems in the fast-food industry and recently I have learned to deal with these problems and knowing that there is nothing I can do to solve them, but one thing is for sure, most of the workers that work in these places at night are young and need adult supervision. More truth is they are all working short staffed right now which is another effect of Covid.  It is now 3:06 am on a Monday morning and I am not one bit sleepy. If my coffee machine wasn’t so loud, I would make a cup and just stay up until I return that book. I do not know what time they open.

There has been a huge scandal going on at a local church that I follow and there are several things that bother me about this situation.  The pastor was caught kissing someone that is not his wife, video, and all, in a public restaurant blah blah blah.  Several people on the church staff have resigned due to this and I understand this 100% but what I do not get is this one guy posts that he helped start the church way back in the day and he had a laundry list of activity that was going on many years ago of things that are wrong with this whole situation. The pastor pushing his wife up against a wall, shouting at her, there are and have never been elders in the church, the pastor buying several new and fancy cars in less than a years’ time, and the pastor not being available to talk to church staff, degrading members and staff.  This is a very light version of the story I read but my question is, if all this is true, why are the staff members just now leaving?  Why would anyone witness something like that daily and continue to do work for a place like that? Why did it take him having an affair for them to get upset and leave?  Why was all this other not brought to light before now? One staff member said that the pastor never participated in any of the soup kitchens or volunteering in the community, but he only showed up for the cameras. I am simply a bystander who read an article or two on this subject and I must ask, is one of these many sins worse than the other? A man slamming a woman against a wall and yelling at her, is this now acceptable? Degrading members of the staff and church, is that acceptable? Using church funds to buy multiple cars, is that acceptable? Not having a group of elders, is that acceptable? I did not see any of this or do I know if it is true or not, but I questioned myself for following along and getting caught up in the lights and shiny things. How quickly it can happen. I question a couple of people that I highly respect that go to this church. Did they see any of this behavior, did they know? Or where they just as oblivious as I was?  Are we all just looking for an easy answer to some of life’s difficult questions…?

Much Love Much Life

Author: Joy

I am Joy I am content I am patient I am love I am free, fabulous and fit. I am all these things and so much more. I am struggle I am hopelessness I am sad I am endurance I am a warrior I am a princess I am my Father's daughter I am a survivor of loss of hurt of pain. I am encouragement I am influence I am Joy.

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