365:234:41

The sounds of the city are some times missed. The train that runs all through the night, the sirens speed by with all the flashing lights. The cats that cuddle, so close, so warm, waking me up way before the alarm. No windows, with views, there is nothing to see, the memories are cherished inside of me.

Have you ever thought, dang, is that really the last place I chose to eat out at? It was Saturday, in Memphis. The days were very cold, especially at six am. I had joined a bike club. No no, not like a motorcycle club, like a real bike club. One that wakes up before the sun even thinks of rising and headed out to the downtown area to feed and love on some homeless people. We would meet, prepare and pray. Heading out to the first stop, all on bicycles, all together, all ready to fill hearts and get out fill up. I only got to participate for a few weeks before the virus hit. I came to Chattanooga soon after to visit my friend who I had not seen in a while. The last Saturday that I participated in the ride, I decided to go eat breakfast by myself at a restaurant that had not been open all that long. I did not even look up the reviews on this place but it looked like my kind of place from the outside but the food, the coffee, was less than to be desired. I being very disappointed actually wrote a bad comment on their yelp site. I never do this, I always leave something good but I was totally disappointed. After riding by this place for over a month, I just knew it would be delicious.

I had the thought of my last meal out a few days ago and of course my mind wonders back to why did I not make a better decision, why did I not stop by Barnes and noble and get that cookie, Reese peanut butter cookie. I had a coupon and everything. Then my mind went to all the places I missed going to like this weird Thai restaurant in Cordova or the Mediterranean one down by the interstate and my favorite one at the corner of Poplar and Kirby. All these memories came and I realized that I have become way to wrapped in safety. Staying close to the house, not venturing out. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I love our little neighbors, I love the restaurants that have become like Cheers and I miss them. So it took me around forty days to miss restaurants. Another thing added to my list of things I miss. The thing is I miss my Saturdays of having the freedom to do what I want. To ride with the club, go to the sauna, and just be still. I need a still day on purpose. A planned still day to pour out, to receive and quiet frankly I do not know how to do that right now. Right now, I have been a mess for way to long, maybe four days. Right now, I want to figure out what is the root of my problem. Right now I want to run down the street and dance because I just want to. Not because I am happy just because I can, if I really wanted to, but I suppose I really do not want to. I really do not want to.

I really want to rest but I am like a child that does not want to be put down for a nap. I want the parks to open back up, the bridge to open, to stroll around with a careless nothingness. I want to be ahead of the game and complete everything on my to do list and it never happens. No matter how hard I work, I always need more space, on my computer, in my room, in my life.

Then, I discover, the kindness that has not been around, the sadness coming in the form of a frown. This I forgot, to do, to be, the kindness that comes from inside of me. The way, to purpose, the way to dream, starts with a kindness from me to me.

Much Love 💜 Much Life