365:253:62

There has been way to many days of play pretend. That everything is alright when it is not. Walking on egg shells, feeling insecure, not speaking what is on the mind. Avoiding getting angry or others will disapprove. There are few people that will allow us to be who we really are and that is so sad. This has been my life, hiding away in the shadows in fear of disappointing someone.

This behavior is not healthy, it is the one thing that causes me to act out because it’s not a good feeling. The pressure of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing is very stressful not natural. I am not a bad person but when this pressure is placed on me, every move I make feels wrong and bad. Self esteem crumbles and I end up dying on the inside.

I have been communicating with my monster with a thousand heads, not a lot but it is out of necessity . This communication has me thinking about the way I allow others to treat me. The way he has treated me, keeping me in fear of this or that. Who needs that? I have enough fear on my own without having someone else bring me into fear. The saddest thing of all is the fear of not being loved or accepted because I am trying to be the woman God made me to be, the woman my heart longs to be. I really do try to be kind and loving to all people but when I am not accepted, walls start being built and when I build walls they are pretty sturdy.

I look back on the last few years of my life, the people that have stood beside me and helped me grow. The people that teach me over and over again what it takes to be a woman of God. I am proud of the hard lessons, the wisdom and the courage I have gained. I do not want to hold back anymore, I want to be truly free and it is I that holds the key.

I believe that each one of us have a special gift and or talent, given to us by God. If I am letting someone dictate how my life is supposed to go or happen, how am I am to behave, I am not being true to myself or my talents. So I am going to allow myself to sit in a little more of the uncomfortable, walk through the unknown and rise above the things that bring me down. I cannot spend my life in fear or worry over what someone else thinks of feels when it comes to me. A lesson that I am learning and this time around I hope I get it right.

Much Love 💜 Much Life