Understanding: 365 D 24

Yatamana – the first stage of the lower level of non-attachment. The word means one who is endeavoring. Having the ability to notice your thoughts, feelings, emotions and words, a self reflection a self study in order to determine how meaningful our lives are. A quest of ourselves to ourselves to find out if we are were we need to be in life.

I have been doing this intentionally for the last few days and it can be quite challenging especially for one who overthinks everything anyways. So I tried to put the overthinking on the back burner and just notice. I noticed the words said to me, my responses, my thoughts, my overthinking of these thoughts and returned to the present moment.

The biggest thing that pops up with me is the inability to not to say what I am thinking. Sometimes, I fear that it will come out very harsh and I think back to my feared thoughts and they did not sound harsh is my head. I am very much out of practice for standing up for myself and speaking my truth. This is not something I have to worry about today but it is what I’ve noticed. I go over these thoughts because deep down I think I would have felt better if I would have said them.

I also reflect on all the times I have spoken my truth, as a young adult up until yesterday and was not heard, sounding like a broken record, screaming to the top of my lungs but sounding like a wee little mouse. I often think is it my communication skills or is it with whom I am communicating??? How is it a perfect stranger can quote my words and be almost delighted by my rejection of ordinary activities but my closest friend has grown deaf to the words that creep out of my mouth. How is it I say nothing to someone I have the highest respect for when I feel he has not allowed me to speak, allowed me to explain all the thoughts that struggle through my mind. So quick to interrupt, so swift to place blame, reminding me once again that my words mean nothing. Means nothing, leading me to keep them to myself, but pouring them out on paper. I will find my voice. I will speak my truth but today I will notice and keep going.

Again, these are my thoughts, a little bit of self reflection from a girl trying to figure it all out! Much ❤️