October 23, 2020
I was supposed to marry the love of my life. We were supposed to get married on the beach. It would have been a lovely ceremony as far as Memphis weather goes. I am uncertain about Jacksonville weather today.
It does not matter for he is there and I am here. We are on break and I am uncertain that I will ever hear from him again.
Yesterday was the worst day of my life… one of, I’m sure, probably not the worst. I was extremely sad but it wasn’t because of today, it was because I miss this man so much, I have become very aggravated with this stillness, this waiting and finally after crying all day, I was able to get to a place of something else.
Yes, I failed… I failed in big ways, I loved in big ways and I still love in big ways. I tried so hard and gave all I had at that time. I look back and I know that the timing was still not right for me.
I believe that there are certain things that should not go into a new relationship.
Parents need to step back and give a couple space, anyone acting as parents need to do the same. I was unable to let go of my “parents/caretakers” when we started our relationship. I put them above our needs. I failed my love.
The only thing I can do now is learn from this. I am finally ready to venture out on my own. I am ready to make decisions without consoling everyone I know.
So today, I will not become Mrs. D. Moore but I will become the girl I should have been. The girl I have longed to be before death, grief, trauma and depression hit hard. I will work to make her the woman she needs to be by taking care of myself. By enjoying every sunrise & sunset, by saying kind things to myself and not beating myself up, by eating healthy and running all over town, taking pictures of the beautiful town I am in, by doing yoga, by giving people Burritos on a Saturday morning, by getting a massage if my body needs one and loving on every cat and dog I see!
I will not do these things for any other reason except because I love doing them. These are the things that make me healthy. These are the things I will keep. I do not have to be the prettiest girl in Jacksonville but I will be the prettiest girl wherever I am. Pretty girls know their worth, they take care of themselves, they love with all their heart.
On this beautiful day in downtown Memphis, I commit to myself to be a pretty girl. For now that is all the commitment I need.
Much Love 💜 Much Life