Poems, The big thing, The Dawn

Pretty Girls

October 23, 2020

I was supposed to marry the love of my life. We were supposed to get married on the beach. It would have been a lovely ceremony as far as Memphis weather goes. I am uncertain about Jacksonville weather today.

It does not matter for he is there and I am here. We are on break and I am uncertain that I will ever hear from him again.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life… one of, I’m sure, probably not the worst. I was extremely sad but it wasn’t because of today, it was because I miss this man so much, I have become very aggravated with this stillness, this waiting and finally after crying all day, I was able to get to a place of something else.

Yes, I failed… I failed in big ways, I loved in big ways and I still love in big ways. I tried so hard and gave all I had at that time. I look back and I know that the timing was still not right for me.

I believe that there are certain things that should not go into a new relationship.

Parents need to step back and give a couple space, anyone acting as parents need to do the same. I was unable to let go of my “parents/caretakers” when we started our relationship. I put them above our needs. I failed my love.

The only thing I can do now is learn from this. I am finally ready to venture out on my own. I am ready to make decisions without consoling everyone I know.

So today, I will not become Mrs. D. Moore but I will become the girl I should have been. The girl I have longed to be before death, grief, trauma and depression hit hard. I will work to make her the woman she needs to be by taking care of myself. By enjoying every sunrise & sunset, by saying kind things to myself and not beating myself up, by eating healthy and running all over town, taking pictures of the beautiful town I am in, by doing yoga, by giving people Burritos on a Saturday morning, by getting a massage if my body needs one and loving on every cat and dog I see!

I will not do these things for any other reason except because I love doing them. These are the things that make me healthy. These are the things I will keep. I do not have to be the prettiest girl in Jacksonville but I will be the prettiest girl wherever I am. Pretty girls know their worth, they take care of themselves, they love with all their heart.

On this beautiful day in downtown Memphis, I commit to myself to be a pretty girl. For now that is all the commitment I need.

Much Love 💜 Much Life

Author: Joy

I am Joy I am content I am patient I am love I am free, fabulous and fit. I am all these things and so much more. I am struggle I am hopelessness I am sad I am endurance I am a warrior I am a princess I am my Father's daughter I am a survivor of loss of hurt of pain. I am encouragement I am influence I am Joy.

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