365:235:42
At one time there was a list of things to do every morning, a way to create habit. Using this list for well over a year and discovering the things on it that I was willing to do and the things I was not willing to do. Not so much willing but I place water beside my bed every night, in order to wake up every morning and hydrate. Every morning I pass this by and go straight for the cup of coffee. As I sit here drinking my water, because I know I should and I’m writing about it, I hate it. It does not make me happy but I am guilting myself into it this morning. Most of the things on the list, make me feel good and happy and that is why we want to create good habits. One thing that was on my list that I have recently, recently being probably around 235 days ago, let go of was my gratitude list and the things I look forward to. They are kind of the same thing because they both bring joy but one is past/present and the other is future. So we will call it the Real list. I believe the Real list is a perfect thing and I do want to bring it back into my life. Maybe in a different way. I have stopped keeping a written journal and this is why the Real list has stopped, but I do have a planner that has not been used much for the last 42 days…. I digress.
Two things that I discovered this morning that are very needed in my life is the confession on my sins, yet another thing that I have been slacking on and the Real list. The Real list keeps me present, in this moment although it does require looking back but normally I look back on the blessings I received the day before and find gratitude for those things. The importance of looking forward is to be excited for opportunities to come. If we stop looking forward to things our days will become very blah. After last nights post, I can honestly say I am looking forward to going out to eat again at some point but that is still an unknown, just like going to the ballet or any other event where many people are gathered. So I am looking forward to a kindness day. Like the Saturday’s I used to have with bicycles and burritos or sauna experience. Or just maybe walks and yoga and hot baths.
This morning in my devotion Tripp said “when you’ve done something wrong, it is not natural to look inside yourself for the cause.” Also, “Because accepting blame is not natural , it takes rescuing, transforming grace to produce a humble, willing, broken, self examination, help seeking heart. Only divine grace can soften a persons heart.” With this I discovered that I have jealousy in my heart and I really went deep with this one. The thing is, there is no need for this jealousy that came up. If we look at our lives even the aggravation we encounter, there is a purpose in the aggravation. It is there to allow us to see what we really need to see and when this came up for me, I wished I had more time, more space. We have plenty of time right now, but lately it is clear that our quarantine is almost up so we really do not. It just feels like a waste of time to be aggravated about things I have no control over.
Second was having false expectations of others. This almost got me yesterday. Some people will say whatever it takes to try to get you out of a space. To try to fix a problem when in the moment all you can do is wait. In the moment the future is not important, the only thing that is important is fixing the problem. Sure it is great to have a plan, to know what your needs are and to move forward and make things happen and it is a nice gesture for people to suggest helping but that basket has been filled before. I cannot put myself in a place of expecting anything from anyone, it hurts to bad when the words never come into action.
Harm of the body, number three. Gosh I do this everyday with bad habits, vaping, drinking and eating things that I know are not good for me… the battle on these things has been so continuous, I still feel guilt for all these things but the want to quit has decreased over the years.
Four is purposely watching scary things on tv. That Steven king…. I really thought I had gotten over him but no, not so much. This is one of those things that I do and it takes a while to get out of my system, out of my mind and most of the time that I am watching my mind is like turn this off but I cannot. This is possibly an excuse but the fear I feel with Steven is much different than my day to day fear. I suppose it is controllable because I can turn it off if I need to but it is also like a work of art. The things he comes up with, the constant guessing and being wrong, the twist and turns of a great writer is right before my eyes. It is impossible not to find out more!
The point of all these confessions is that when we are in growth, things will always come up. These are things I know I need to have better control over and by looking at my yesterday, which was not so great but not horrible, I discovered some things I already knew but had forgotten. The reflection is so important, the gratitude is important and the looking forward is important. These are things I need to keep in my daily activities for me to be the best me possible. I hope you have the strength to stop today and reflect, be thankful and look forward to the future. It has definitely brightened my day.
Much Love 💜 Much Life
