365:D178

Sunday, was filled with panic, driving, unwanted sermons and much needed alone time that was clearly shown… a student asked where my heart was today… felt like rock bottom. More driving and another class. Finally found peace, came home and that was destroyed.

Bummer of a day… worries that fill the mind: loneliness so strong, missing my sober friend, having such a strong love and gratitude for him! Wish he was around more… knowledge of days to change, big changes to come. How empty my life will be but how full?

Missing one that does not make time for me and the shame that comes because my life is not good enough, shambles of possibility falling deep into the cracks. No one wants to deal with all that. To be the one hearing those words, makes one feel a little absurd. How did this happen, how can it be, I am the one who is not good enough for me.

The preacher man told us about husband and wife, sent me back to the first service, will I be single for life?

Maybe not, maybe so but either way I have to go. In search of a better way and I will begin with this, seven week of the fasting, high on my list. Praying and looking for what it will be, something He’s wanting to remove far from me. Two more days of the gras to fill to the core, then let it all go in search of a life with much more.

Much Love 💜 Much Life