365:D211.18

Does it feel like this is the end of everything true, good and beautiful? Some days, maybe, some days we go down the rabbit hole and it takes everything we have to come back up high enough to see the light, to know that there is an end in sight. When traveling down the hole, it is very scary, everyone has a different version, a different sight of what is down there. For me, it is an insight, a reflection of what is really going on. Not to long ago, I discovered that the things that bother us about other people, the things that make us angry, discontent, irritable, these things stem from what is going on inside us. After a couple of days with the rabbit, I have found that there is a comfort in having certain people in our lives, the reminder of what was… Is it possible that we search out people that provide the same feelings that we had as children, even if it was not always good, and oftentimes bad.

Does the battle continue long after our childhood demons have passed or we supposedly have let them go? I believe it does, and it will until we get to a place where we are strong enough to stand up for ourselves and voice our truth on our own terms. Over the last few days, I have remembered how my brother would constantly pick on me, always taking it further than needed. I discovered early in life that my friends brothers were not like mine. He was attacking my inner being, constantly criticizing in a haha way, but the effect it had on me was nothing to laugh about. When a person is criticized constantly about there outer and inner self, being put down, in front of others and in private, the only option is to have low self esteem. This has been a battle of mine all my life. I have always wanted people to value me, to think I was good enough or even great in some small way. This, I’m sure is possibly where the whole people pleaser, codependency thing came from. Most people would seek out people that would build them up, not allow people to keep criticizing them or is the battle that important? Does the fear of standing up to my brother scare me so much that I allow, not so scary people into my life so that I may one day be the victor?

I am uncertain how important it is to actually stand up and fight these battles or to find peace in your heart regarding them. In most cases today, when I feel criticized physically, I just think, I am not my toenails, or the hair on my legs or whatever is being made fun of or criticized. It is much harder when it’s my choice of words, or the pronunciation of my words or if I choose to work on my passive aggressiveness or not that is being criticized. Even harder, is to walk on the eggshells that have been scattered all over the floor. “The hardest things in your life become the sweetest tools of grace in His wise and loving hands.” Paul David Tripp. There is growth in every criticism, every occasion, every moment. I know there is more to learn here in this situation, more to discover about myself. As for now, I see the light at the top of the rabbit hole. It is a beautiful light and it gives me hope.

Much Love 💜 Much Life