365:D155
Lately, many thoughts come to mind when I am asked this. What do you need? How can I help? Is there anything I can do? My response has been limited because I am uncertain of what is needed, really needed in my life to make it work.
Sure, I would like a better schedule, where I am not driving all over the city, all hours of the day. I would like my own home, filled with peace and space. I would like to someday settle down and be a wife to a wonderful man who would be kind and loving.
These things are pretty much up to me to do. I cannot ask anyone to assist me with these things, but really they are not needed. However, what is needed is my relationship with Jesus Christ to become stronger. Sunday, the sermon was very moving. One of those sermons where you get all excited and then the truth sets in.
The excitement: singleness-not everyone is called to be married, God never promised us a husband. This brought me joy because I knew from an early age I would never be a mom and have always been okay with that, but my parents always pushed marriage and children on me, just as many parents do to their kids. I tried, I failed, twice. Both relationships leaving me broken and light on trust. So during the sermon, I felt excited to know that, maybe I knew more in my heart about what I needed at 18 than my parents gave me credit for. Unfortunately, they had engraved in my mind that I had to be married. I tried to please them. At 21, attempt number two failed and I knew this was not for me. My prayers changed from “bring me a husband” to “if it is your will and if it is your will, I will need signs, big huge signs from the moon, stars and rain. You will need to bust out the Hallmark God.” I even wrote God a letter, asking for exactly what I needed in a spouse. I have never published this letter to God, nor do I think I have allowed anyone except for one person to read it. Timing is everything and I believe he showed up, 95% of the qualities I had written God for, the moon, stars and rain all showed up as well, being in perfect timing just as they only do in Hallmarks. I received the sign and I also received doubt. Huge DOUBT. I did not trust. I pushed him away and not liking the monster I created, I walked away.
As I was driving to class after the sermon, my thoughts resonated on the sermon, on my walking away, on me being a better single. One of the first things Franco said was, “you need to be a good single before you can be a good married”. In order to do this you must Please God, (meaning – full approval) and have undivided devotion (set apart). Basically, unite with Jesus Christ, all My stuff becomes His and all His stuff becomes mine.
Needless to say, I have a long way to go before I will be classified as a “good single” but it has been on my heart to get closer to God.
The disappointment: now that it has been approved by a church member, the flipping pastor, that I am not a super freak for spending nearly half of my adult life single… This would and did make me so excited but for the first time in a very long time, I do not want to be single. I wanted our relationship to work, hindsight, but I was not ready so I have been being very unkind to myself because 1. I did not trust. 2. I do not think we can return back to where we started. The end was not pretty but he definitely let me know he was no longer interested and my pride will not let me reach out to him and tell him otherwise. Friends tell me that, his real personality came out and I should be thankful that I found out that he was a jerk but I cannot say I would have acted any different if he treated me in the way I treated him.
The truth is I was not ready for him or anyone else. I had committed to work on myself and my relationship with God when we met and he was a distraction from doing the work I so needed to do. This became clear Sunday. I have not been my best self but I long to be a better person, a better single. In this moment, that is all I can want. If that happens, everything else will fall into place. Back to Gods timing, back to Plan A.
Much Love 💜 Much Life
